In Memoriam: Patricia Meyers Druger

By Marvin Druger  |  Email: mdruger@syr.edu

I was wondering what day it was. So I checked my calendar. I suddenly realized that Jan. 19, 2014, was the saddest day of my life. My wife, Pat, passed away on that day. I just want to write this article to say how sad I have been ever since that event. I grieve about her loss every day. I know that this is true for everyone in my family. We miss her.

Pat was a remarkable person. She did sewing, quilting, cooking and she took care of our three children and me. She also was an active member of the Sewing Guild, a docent at the Erie Canal Museum and a volunteer tax consultant for AARP.

These were the days of the women’s liberation movement and men of my generation expected our wife to stay at home and attend to the family and do domestic chores. Then, I became liberated. I realized that Pat deserved a life outside the home. I encouraged her to go to graduate school at Syracuse University and she earned a master’s degree in mathematics. She chose not to go on to a Ph.D., but decided that she wanted to spend her efforts taking care of the family instead.

I apologized to Pat for my chauvinism. I told her, “I’m sorry that I was so thoughtless about you for the past 16 years of our marriage.”

Her reply was, “How about the rest of the years!”

I told a friend that I was once a chauvinistic pig until I saw the light. Pat’s response was, “Yes, now he’s just a pig!”

Besides all of her talents, Pat was a caring, generous, intelligent and beautiful woman. I loved her madly and she made me what I am today. We worked together in the Bio 121-123 course. I had a lot of innovative ideas about teaching and she did the work and made these ideas a reality, while I got the credit.

Pat never wanted the glory that I jokingly sought. She related to everyone and was always available to help others. She never complained about her life. Indeed, she once said to me, “If I measured my life on a scale from one to 10, 10 being the best, my life was a 10.” I jokingly replied, “Mine was a six.”

Even when she was terminally ill, she never complained. She was always thinking of the welfare of others.

Three events stay fixed in my mind. When she went to hospice, the director of Francis House said to me, “She’s not going to get better.” That remark was my first realization that she was going to die. I just thought she would be in hospice for a few days and that she would then come home. At that moment, reality struck me.

The second event was when she was almost gone and I was standing next to her bed in Francis House. She said, “Marvin, please help me!” These words ring in my head constantly. There was nothing I could do to help her. I grabbed her shoulders and tried to squeeze life into her. It didn’t work.

My third vivid memory was her final words to me. Just before she stopped breathing, she said, “Marvin, shut up!” This final remark was typical of our laughing, joking relationship.

Long before she became ill with stage four lung cancer, we talked about what would happen if one of us passed away. We agreed that the survivor should find someone else to share life with and continue to live happily. Soon after Pat’s death, my granddaughter enrolled me in an on-line dating service. She said, “Grandpa, I’m not going to lie about you, but I’ll make you marketable.” Many women who wanted to meet me suddenly appeared on my computer screen. I went into a shark frenzy and I dated seven women at the same time. Number seven was known as “double-O-seven” and I was known as “James.” (a la James Bond). Life became very complicated, but every woman that I dated was kind and caring, but lonely. I once called double-O-seven.

“Do you want to go to a movie with me Friday night?” I asked. She replied, “I can’t make it. Why don’t you ask number four?”

On another occasion, I was with one of my dates and I met a friend on the street. I wanted to introduce my date to him, but I forgot her name.

I established many memorials to Pat through donations. We have a bench and a tree on the main campus at Syracuse University. There is a plaque in the Orange Grove on campus dedicated to her. There is also a bench at Jowonio School on East Genesee Street with her name on it and there is a plaque on the ground at Petit Library dedicated to her.

The most significant memorial to Pat is the renovated Holden Observatory at Syracuse University. Holden Observatory is the second oldest building at Syracuse University, second to the Hall of Languages. It was built in 1887 and moved to its current site by a construction company in 1991. There is an Alvin Clark telescope in the dome of the building. Holden Observatory was built for teaching and research purposes in honor of Charles Demerest Holden, a student at SU, who died of a heart ailment. For many years, the building was used as an office for various programs. It was the home site for the Senate recorder office and later for the university cartographer. Pat loved astronomy and even took a course in astronomy taught by Gunter Wessel. As part of Pat’s legacy, I decided to give a donation to restore Holden to its original purpose of teaching. It was one of the best things I ever did. The restoration is known as the Patricia Meyers Druger Astronomy Learning Center. The building is now used as a site for teaching astronomy classes.

When you enter the building, there is a beautiful photo of Pat. On the left of the photo, there is a description of her activities at SU. After working with me in the Biology 121-123 course for many years, she became an administrator in the writing program. One the right of her photo is a poem that I wrote in her honor.

Day lilies live one day. Here is the poem I wrote:

The Yellow Day Lily

The yellow flower was beautiful,

It sparkled in the sun,

I put it in a vase

To be seen by everyone.

I told my wife the flower

Was as beautiful as she,

They both had special features

That brought happiness to me.

The next day the flower was gone,

It lay upon the floor,

It now was shrunken orange

And its yellow was no more.

It was here for just an instant,

But then it went away,

I wish this lovely lily

Could have stayed

Just

One

More

Day.

There is also a photo of Pat and me inside Holden. This one has the caption, “Marvin and Patricia Druger who loved, laughed and traveled together for almost 60 years.”

The photo was to demonstrate to students that you don’t have to get divorced after a few years, but it’s possible to have a loving relationship for a long time.

Eventually, I met an attractive woman in Wegman’s who laughed at my jokes. We have been dating for more than nine years. We have traveled together, attended many concerts and events, had many meals together, have shared mutual interests and have developed an affection for each other. We have had many adventures that, otherwise, would not have happened. At my old age, I was lucky to find a lovely companion with whom to experience life.

But life will never be the same. I can’t erase almost 60 years of a wonderful relationship with Pat. I am proud of myself for devoting myself to Pat’s needs for the last three years of her life. I have no regrets, just permanent memories of her life well-lived. I am thankful for our life together. Everyone should be as lucky as me.